PERSONAL BLOG 03

 

Personal Blog 03

The Good

Hello everyone!

It's another day over here on the big planet, and it seems to me a good one! A little rainy outside, but it's cleared up, and the sky seems calmer after letting all that water out. Good for her!

I am officially back in the restaurant business! I'm currently working as a host, and let me tell you- I missed it! Which is surprising, considering the fact that I thought I hated it. Thing is though, interactions with people just put a smile on my face. All it takes is a good, hearty "Hello!" with a smile, and it's enough to warrant the same from a complete stranger. It makes me feel good, when I get visible reassurance that someone else is, at the very least, smiling. 

I've heard somewhere that smiling, even pretending too, has some psycho-somatic effect on how you feel pleasure in the brain- that smiling has some connection to some neurotransmitters firing, or something like that. Man, I wish I was a doctor! But i'm not, so sorry for the half-baked information. My point with all this- smiling is good! It's something I take for granted but hearing that it has some basis in science helps me to believe in it even more.

Also, my cat is the cutest. Can I put an image on this....

omg! Wide hector!

The Bad

As i'm getting older, i'm realizing many things. First of all, I realize that everything is only what I make of it- I have the final say for how this life of mine looks to me, in spite of everything else. It's comforting at times, and helps me feel like I have real faculty over the world I live in. However, other times, it really feels like a lot of responsibility.  It means that whenever I am not operating to my liking, or whenever things seem bleak, it means that I am at fault, and my worldview needs tweaking. It can be exhausting sometimes, and somewhat contradicting. I adopted this philosophy because it really helps me to feel empowered, but I believe that overgeneralization can lead it to be an obstacle for me at times- if that makes sense.

That being said, working as a Host has helped me to realize something. I'll start by saying that ya boi is actually SUCH a good employee it would SHOCK YOU. I zip around, cleaning and chattin and doing who knows what else. Part of why I like to work like that is because I appear efficient, and take pride in the work I am able to accomplish that way. However, I've come to another realization. I think there is an astounding amount of anxiety cooped up in my mind, body, and spirit. The "need for speed" as I coined it for myself has gotten me in situations before where I feel quite overwhelmed with all the information that I'm being faced with. I like to move quickly, talk quickly, always moving from one task to another- and when I'm not, i'm listless, waiting to jump on the next opportunity to just do something. I talked about this a tad in my last entry.

I've attributed my behavior to many things in the past, but this is the first time I'm thinking that it may have something to do with me feeling nervous, feeling an impending sensation of "oh no" that I must avoid at all cost. That fear leads me to move like i'm running for my life, and leads to experiences much like one I experience only yesterday. In my work, I was moving food from one place to another, and in doing so, nearly completely messed up the way it was assembled. I did that nearly twice, when one of my genuinely wonderful coworkers mentioned to me- "it's called slowing down". I've heard that so many times in my life, it ought to be tattooed on me somewhere. I usually disregard those messages but this time, it's been bouncing around my noggin. Maybe I should just slow down. Whenever I take those deep breathing exercises and center myself, I notice, "wow, I was really quite agitated". I'm begging to believe in the fact that that energy gets pent up not only in my thought, but in my body, in the way I move, breathe, and behave. I'm not quite sure where to go from here, but I'm happy to be aware of this possibility. I can adapt, if I know what's going on! I'll do my best to take things a little slower, and maybe in doing so, life might feel a little more steady.

The Funny

Guys I heard the funniest freaking jokes of all time yesterday please take the time to read these they are so good.

What do you call a hippies wife?

MISSISSIPPI

okay okay now number two

Why did Jesus like to go to Japanese restaurants?

Because he LOVES MI-SO !!!

I love that second one- miso! So good. Anyway that's it, keep it classy you crazy people you.

PERSONAL BLOG 02

Personal Blog 02

The Good

 Hello! How are you?

Big things have been happening over here. HUGE things. I've got stuff cookin that'll make you CRAZY just thinkin about it. 

First of all, college has been going very well for me. There are a couple loose ends here and there, but hey, last time I checked I was a human being, and not some sort of super computer. And, not to brag, but I was also recently readmitted back into the KU School of Music! Please hold your applause until the end. 

Long story short, my GPA has been- well, for lack of a better term- not-so-good. But I happen to be a pretty smart individual, so that's all sorted out and taken care of. I hold the next couple of years in high confidence! 

Then, there's the professional development. It's a new thing for me, so it's quite exciting. Being in college has made me seriously evaluate what kind of career I want to have. What that really means, at least to me anyway, is what kind of life do I want to have? One thing is for sure, I want to live a fun life, and I want my life to be as helpful and as good to others as it can be (okay, maybe a couple things are for sure)...

...psst...

... hey...

....pssst come here ppsssst...

...listen, I can't tell you too much right now, cuz it's so AWESOME it'll cook your brain, but me and my best friends and closest colleagues are brainstorming a crazy idea- what if we start a business in the art industry?! I'm talking music, performing arts, digital arts, teaching- like I said, we've got some crazy goodies cookin in the oven right now. Man, is anyone else suddenly craving baked goods?

Oh, I should also mention- I'm older now than I was when I wrote the first blog post. Isn't that something?

The Bad

Of course, things are never all sunshine and rainbows. One of my favorite quotes ever comes from one of my behavior science textbooks:

"Of course, the world is not filled entirely with birthday cakes, video games, and consensual sexual encounters". They sure have a way with words, don't they?

I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of laps around the ol' mental gym, y'know, where I go to practice my mental gymnastics. Anywhosie, I'll be rather blunt- I've noticed that I have a vicious need for stimulation (this is not news for anyone in my life). There's always been this sense that being still, being quiet and uneventful, is a terrible sin and honestly a downright a tragedy. It sounds dramatic, but honestly, it's how I've been approaching my entire life, without much intent to change. In fact, for a little while there, I made it a big part of my identity. We have our fun when we're young!

You reap what you sow, and now I'm paying the price quite heavily. I can see it start to distract from other things I hold important, like my education. It even manages to affect my social life! I've noticed that I'm very dependent on many different "dopamine boosters" that take many different forms. I can't really imagine my life without these little boosters, their so dear to me.

Most of the time, I have the willpower to sway myself into a focused state. 

That's in the morning anyway. 

As I've learned, willpower is a muscle. You can train it, sure, but I think it's more important to recognize that like a muscle-

it gets tired.

And believe me pal, these college courses that take up my morning do a great job at giving that muscle a crazy workout. By the time I get home and need to tend to my whole life, that muscle is sore and tired and cranky and I NEED A STIMULUS. Whether it be food, my phone, partying, or, more aptly said, "birthday cakes, video games, and consensual sexual encounters". I'll go for just about anything to feel stimulated. I  also know that it's a need that's present in a lot of beings on this planet, so I know i'm not alone here. It's a battle we all face, and it looks different for each of us.

The first step to solving a problem is identifying it. So here's a thought: what is so bad about "quiet", "still", and "uneventful"? This is a question I am currently trying to solve (I think it has something to do with my bottled up emotions, but I digress). Why have I always felt the need to eliminate it? 

 (P.S. No I don't try to bottle them up I go to therapy and stuff but sometimes this stuff sneaks past ya- BUT I DIGRESS)

 Sure, some of it- probably most of it actually- has to do with the chemicals in my brain. I don't know if you noticed or not but in case you haven't I'm not exactly a neurotypical guy- I've gone through the ringer with therapy, medication, psychology and whatnot. I love my pills! 

But, I think there's something else. Something underlying this fear of being still. When the world shut down in 2020, I was forced to reconcile with my greatest fear, and I did not do well. It scared the hell out of me, so I ran, and I ran hard. It's taken a long time to correct those steps that were taken in the wrong direction.

But like I mentioned before guys-

I'm older now than I was when I wrote the first blog post.

I think I'm ready to take another crack at it. To peek under the hood, and walk with the discomfort until I find it's source. I'll approach it with love, kindness, and understanding- the right way to talk to a scared kid. Because deep down, I think that little guy is really quite scared of this big world. He's always liked to run, you know? But he's a good kid, and believe me, ma boi's wicked smart. We're good friends now, so I think he'll be more responsive to my soul searching.

The Funny

I thought it would be funny to structure the blogpost like "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly". But when I was writing it I was like "hey man you already have a bad, if you pair that with an ugly you're gonna sound like a goon" so I thought funny was, well, more funny. 

Is it working?

Anyway, I'll see you guys later. Stay chill, stay cringe, and stay loved.

Personal Blog 01

     I'm a little intimidated to do something like this, to be perfectly honest. I have only really ever written for school- or for my own journals- and I'm kind of worried to put my writing out there. Part of me does think though that it's pretty much the same as writing in a journal because of my doubt that anyone will see this, with this being just a speck on the internet- kinda. Does that make sense?

     Anyway, here's my position right now. I'm in college, and honestly and truly I'm having a really good time! I've had my run of it the past couple of years, and when I first began some time ago I didn't do so well. Lately though it's been really fruitful, and I've honed a ton of skills. I feel pretty good about the progress I'm making- 1 I like to think of myself as an optimist. I will say though, I sometimes feel a little lost. Sound familiar to anybody? Everyone has their own journey, and right now mine feels really open ended. I'm conflicted- on the one hand, it feels really good to not be able to see what's ahead. I've been in positions where for instance I was in a rut, and all I could foresee for myself was more, well, rut-ness Right now, I don't "foresee" any troubles in the coming year. Oh yeah happy new year! As I'm writing this it's January of 2025. You know, It's a nice feeling to start of the year with this sense of security, but I will say, while I don't fret for my future, I know the good things I would like to have happen to me this year aren't just going to "happen to me". I think that there are some really good things that could come out of this year but those things are not going to happen unless I have a hand in helping them to happen. For example, with my music, I know there are opportunities to put myself out there to others, to finally have something out on a notable platform with my name on it. Progress! But it's not just going to happen, like I mentioned; the album isn't going to just be released. I would want to work on it so eventually it can be. 

    It's winter break right now, and I've been really taking it easy. Eating, sleeping, and playing video games- the early 20's dream! And that's the thing, I have the opportunity to really take it easy considering my position in life- and the fact that come the semester i'm going to be BU SY!That's really it honestly I just want to relax knowing that I will have to put in some WORK. It's all fun though! How else do I grow? 

    That's why, I guess, I want to start writing. I have always liked to write, but I've never made it a hobby. I do suspect though that it is a good skill to practice if I have the chance to. And I also like the idea of being able to work my thoughts out on a platform like this. Perhaps I'll have something to look back on- the best part of being a creative, in my opinion, is being able to behold your own mind baby.

    Anyway hello talk soon bye!