Personal Blog 02
Hello! How are you?
Big things have been happening over here. HUGE things. I've got stuff cookin that'll make you CRAZY just thinkin about it.
First of all, college has been going very well for me. There are a couple loose ends here and there, but hey, last time I checked I was a human being, and not some sort of super computer. And, not to brag, but I was also recently readmitted back into the KU School of Music! Please hold your applause until the end.
Long story short, my GPA has been- well, for lack of a better term- not-so-good. But I happen to be a pretty smart individual, so that's all sorted out and taken care of. I hold the next couple of years in high confidence!
Then, there's the professional development. It's a new thing for me, so it's quite exciting. Being in college has made me seriously evaluate what kind of career I want to have. What that really means, at least to me anyway, is what kind of life do I want to have? One thing is for sure, I want to live a fun life, and I want my life to be as helpful and as good to others as it can be (okay, maybe a couple things are for sure)...
...psst...
... hey...
....pssst come here ppsssst...
...listen, I can't tell you too much right now, cuz it's so AWESOME it'll cook your brain, but me and my best friends and closest colleagues are brainstorming a crazy idea- what if we start a business in the art industry?! I'm talking music, performing arts, digital arts, teaching- like I said, we've got some crazy goodies cookin in the oven right now. Man, is anyone else suddenly craving baked goods?
Oh, I should also mention- I'm older now than I was when I wrote the first blog post. Isn't that something?
The Bad
Of course, things are never all sunshine and rainbows. One of my favorite quotes ever comes from one of my behavior science textbooks:
"Of course, the world is not filled entirely with birthday cakes, video games, and consensual sexual encounters". They sure have a way with words, don't they?
I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of laps around the ol' mental gym, y'know, where I go to practice my mental gymnastics. Anywhosie, I'll be rather blunt- I've noticed that I have a vicious need for stimulation (this is not news for anyone in my life). There's always been this sense that being still, being quiet and uneventful, is a terrible sin and honestly a downright a tragedy. It sounds dramatic, but honestly, it's how I've been approaching my entire life, without much intent to change. In fact, for a little while there, I made it a big part of my identity. We have our fun when we're young!
You reap what you sow, and now I'm paying the price quite heavily. I can see it start to distract from other things I hold important, like my education. It even manages to affect my social life! I've noticed that I'm very dependent on many different "dopamine boosters" that take many different forms. I can't really imagine my life without these little boosters, their so dear to me.
Most of the time, I have the willpower to sway myself into a focused state.
That's in the morning anyway.
As I've learned, willpower is a muscle. You can train it, sure, but I think it's more important to recognize that like a muscle-
it gets tired.
And believe me pal, these college courses that take up my morning do a great job at giving that muscle a crazy workout. By the time I get home and need to tend to my whole life, that muscle is sore and tired and cranky and I NEED A STIMULUS. Whether it be food, my phone, partying, or, more aptly said, "birthday cakes, video games, and consensual sexual encounters". I'll go for just about anything to feel stimulated. I also know that it's a need that's present in a lot of beings on this planet, so I know i'm not alone here. It's a battle we all face, and it looks different for each of us.
The first step to solving a problem is identifying it. So here's a thought: what is so bad about "quiet", "still", and "uneventful"? This is a question I am currently trying to solve (I think it has something to do with my bottled up emotions, but I digress). Why have I always felt the need to eliminate it?
(P.S. No I don't try to bottle them up I go to therapy and stuff but sometimes this stuff sneaks past ya- BUT I DIGRESS)
Sure, some of it- probably most of it actually- has to do with the chemicals in my brain. I don't know if you noticed or not but in case you haven't I'm not exactly a neurotypical guy- I've gone through the ringer with therapy, medication, psychology and whatnot. I love my pills!
But, I think there's something else. Something underlying this fear of being still. When the world shut down in 2020, I was forced to reconcile with my greatest fear, and I did not do well. It scared the hell out of me, so I ran, and I ran hard. It's taken a long time to correct those steps that were taken in the wrong direction.
But like I mentioned before guys-
I'm older now than I was when I wrote the first blog post.
I think I'm ready to take another crack at it. To peek under the hood, and walk with the discomfort until I find it's source. I'll approach it with love, kindness, and understanding- the right way to talk to a scared kid. Because deep down, I think that little guy is really quite scared of this big world. He's always liked to run, you know? But he's a good kid, and believe me, ma boi's wicked smart. We're good friends now, so I think he'll be more responsive to my soul searching.
The Funny
I thought it would be funny to structure the blogpost like "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly". But when I was writing it I was like "hey man you already have a bad, if you pair that with an ugly you're gonna sound like a goon" so I thought funny was, well, more funny.
Is it working?
Anyway, I'll see you guys later. Stay chill, stay cringe, and stay loved.
